The traffic light at the end of our street takes two minutes to change. Doesn't matter if any cars are coming. That light makes us wait an unfair amount of time! And I have a life to live! Things to do! Places to go!
And now, during this extended medical treatment, I have learned a lot about waiting. Waiting to be seen. Waiting for results. Waiting to improve. I routinely wait around for a few hours a day. And that's just the way it is.
Of course, I become restless, and need to fill that time with something. Chatting. Reading. Watching TV. Facebook. Praying. And so I am gradually become acclimated to a lifestyle of waiting.
It must be good for me.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The 15 Verses Project
There are two things that really bolster the strength of my soul: my friends and the Scriptures. Here's an idea that brings them both together. I'm calling it "The 15 Verses Project." It's really simple, each friend videos someone (or themselves) reading a 15-verse passage from the Bible, starting with the book of Luke, and posts that video on facebook.
Details:
Feel free to do more than one 15. In no time, we'll have the whole book of Luke online, suitable for sharing with other friends. If we pass it on, we could eventually have the whole Bible available. How cool is that?
And in the near term, I'll receive the great blessing of hearing the greatest story ever told as creatively produced by my friends and my family. I can't wait to see it!
Details:
- Select 15 verses in a row from the book of Luke. If the section of the chapter is shorter than 15 verses, just stop at the end of the chapter.
- Passages should begin on even 15-verse boundaries. That is, Luke 1:1, Luke 1:16, Luke 1:31, Luke 1:45, etc. Sometimes, that means that your reading will start in the middle of a paragraph. That's perfectly OK.
- You can read it yourself, have a family member read it, or make it a dramatization involving several. Be as creative as you please.
- Choose whatever setting you like: home, office, car, park, Burger King, etc.
- Be respectful of the God whose Word you are reading.
- When you upload your video, title the post "15 Verses Project--Luke x:yy-zz", where x is the chapter you picked, and yy-zz are the starting and ending verses. For example, 15 Verses Project--Luke 24:16-30
- When you upload the video, tag me in it so I'll be notified.
- Don't be surprised if multiple people pick the same passage. That's OK (Prov. 16:33)!
Feel free to do more than one 15. In no time, we'll have the whole book of Luke online, suitable for sharing with other friends. If we pass it on, we could eventually have the whole Bible available. How cool is that?
And in the near term, I'll receive the great blessing of hearing the greatest story ever told as creatively produced by my friends and my family. I can't wait to see it!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Testimony from "Help is on the way"
I was introduced to Christ and the Scriptures when I was 8 years old. Throughout my life, I’ve learned to wrestle with the Scriptures and turn to the Lord for the hard questions. I receive guidance and peace as God speaks to me through His Word.
There's a difference between believing something and walking through it. As of today, my future is a big question mark, followed by an exclamation point. I am going through a relapse of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. This time around, it’s not responding to the chemo, so the medical team has come up with Plan B. I don’t know if I’ll survive it. I don’t know if it will take care of the cancer. That’s the question mark.
Not only is my future a question mark, it’s followed by an exclamation point. God is on His throne. He's Lord of heaven and earth, and there's not one dust mote that's out of his control. Jesus said that I'm in His hands, and He's in the Father's hands. And He said that He is with me always, even to the end of the age.
God has been gracious to come alongside me and minister even more grace to me than I've ever experienced before. I'm so glad to have brothers and sisters in Christ who have creatively and generously loved us with their availability, their prayers, their counsel, encouragement, and practical helps.
I can’t think of Scriptures that promise that everything will come up roses in this life. In fact, Jesus said that in this world we’d face tribulation, but, he also said, “Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
So I’m trusting that God has me safely strapped in for the roller coaster ride of my life. And someone said the best way to ride a roller coaster is with your hands in the air, lifted up to the Lord.
There's a difference between believing something and walking through it. As of today, my future is a big question mark, followed by an exclamation point. I am going through a relapse of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. This time around, it’s not responding to the chemo, so the medical team has come up with Plan B. I don’t know if I’ll survive it. I don’t know if it will take care of the cancer. That’s the question mark.
Not only is my future a question mark, it’s followed by an exclamation point. God is on His throne. He's Lord of heaven and earth, and there's not one dust mote that's out of his control. Jesus said that I'm in His hands, and He's in the Father's hands. And He said that He is with me always, even to the end of the age.
God has been gracious to come alongside me and minister even more grace to me than I've ever experienced before. I'm so glad to have brothers and sisters in Christ who have creatively and generously loved us with their availability, their prayers, their counsel, encouragement, and practical helps.
I can’t think of Scriptures that promise that everything will come up roses in this life. In fact, Jesus said that in this world we’d face tribulation, but, he also said, “Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
So I’m trusting that God has me safely strapped in for the roller coaster ride of my life. And someone said the best way to ride a roller coaster is with your hands in the air, lifted up to the Lord.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Three weeks of radiation
The idea is that, since I have one spot that is chemo resistant, we should kill that spot and minimize the burden of disease before going into the stem cell transplant process. There are several things that need to be balanced when getting radiation therapy. Things like:
1. Using enough radiation to actually kill the cancer, with enough margin around the tumor to account for invisible cells and motion from my breathing
2. Pinpointing the radiation so that it treats a minimal amount of healthy tissue.
3. Keeping the dose to known safe limits for surrounding organs. The pancreas is pretty tough. Kidneys are very weak. Intestines almost as weak.
After a 90-minute consult with the radiation oncologist, we again learned even more about cancer treatment than we ever wanted to. In sum, here's what I'm undergoing.
First, a CT scan to see where my organs and the cancer are. This isn't a full CT scan like I've had in the past. It's just enough to map out my body and figure out how to set up the radiation treatment. With the CT scan, I also get my own custom beanbag. I lay down on the beanbag, and then they sucked all the air out of it, turning it into a rigid shell that is perfectly conformed to my body. When I began treatment a week later, I lay down in that rigid beanbag so that my body can be as precisely positioned as possible.
First day of treatment involves getting several X-rays, making sure I'm positioned right in my beanbag, and marking my skin in strategic places with sharpie so that they can line me up exactly the same way every time. There are these harmless laser beams from the ceiling and the sides of the room that they line me up with.
The actual machine they use to zap me with is a Varian Trilogy machine like the one in this picture. The two arms on the side are used for low-energy X rays. The big round head above is where the treatment rays come from. The whole thing can rotate, so that head can shoot me from above, the side, and below. The machine weighs about 9 tons. It's got a lot of lead shielding inside. And the treatment room is in the basement of the hospital in order to contain the radiation.
I show up, take off my shirt and lie down in my beanbag, arms lying on the bed over my head. They usually scoot and twist me a little to get my body lined up with the lasers, and then they leave the room. The machine rotates and shoots me from the left side for 45 seconds, then from the right side for 45 seconds, then from the top for 15 seconds.
So on Monday through Friday, I'm staying in an apartment across the street from the hospital so I don't have to drive back and forth to Huntsville 5 hours round-trip. Thankfully, the Vanderbilt Stem Cell Transplant (SCT) center is providing that accommodation for me. That's probably where I'll stay during the SCT as well. I'll try to remember to take some pictures to show you.
As of this writing, I've had 8 of the 15 radiation treatments with minimal side effects. I'm able to drive home on the weekends. I'm able to walk and ride my bike. I'm able to work from the apartment. I don't have any real nausea. I have my appetite.
The plan is to complete the radiation by Tuesday, 4/26. I'll get a week off. Then they'll start the preadmission for the SCT on Tuesday, 5/3. Once that starts, I'm stuck in Nashville until I'm well enough to go home--about 35 days.
On a side note: I've found brothers and sisters at Belmont Heights Baptist Church, an easy bike ride from the apartment. It's great to be part of God's family.
1. Using enough radiation to actually kill the cancer, with enough margin around the tumor to account for invisible cells and motion from my breathing
2. Pinpointing the radiation so that it treats a minimal amount of healthy tissue.
3. Keeping the dose to known safe limits for surrounding organs. The pancreas is pretty tough. Kidneys are very weak. Intestines almost as weak.
After a 90-minute consult with the radiation oncologist, we again learned even more about cancer treatment than we ever wanted to. In sum, here's what I'm undergoing.
First, a CT scan to see where my organs and the cancer are. This isn't a full CT scan like I've had in the past. It's just enough to map out my body and figure out how to set up the radiation treatment. With the CT scan, I also get my own custom beanbag. I lay down on the beanbag, and then they sucked all the air out of it, turning it into a rigid shell that is perfectly conformed to my body. When I began treatment a week later, I lay down in that rigid beanbag so that my body can be as precisely positioned as possible.
First day of treatment involves getting several X-rays, making sure I'm positioned right in my beanbag, and marking my skin in strategic places with sharpie so that they can line me up exactly the same way every time. There are these harmless laser beams from the ceiling and the sides of the room that they line me up with.
I show up, take off my shirt and lie down in my beanbag, arms lying on the bed over my head. They usually scoot and twist me a little to get my body lined up with the lasers, and then they leave the room. The machine rotates and shoots me from the left side for 45 seconds, then from the right side for 45 seconds, then from the top for 15 seconds.
So on Monday through Friday, I'm staying in an apartment across the street from the hospital so I don't have to drive back and forth to Huntsville 5 hours round-trip. Thankfully, the Vanderbilt Stem Cell Transplant (SCT) center is providing that accommodation for me. That's probably where I'll stay during the SCT as well. I'll try to remember to take some pictures to show you.
As of this writing, I've had 8 of the 15 radiation treatments with minimal side effects. I'm able to drive home on the weekends. I'm able to walk and ride my bike. I'm able to work from the apartment. I don't have any real nausea. I have my appetite.
The plan is to complete the radiation by Tuesday, 4/26. I'll get a week off. Then they'll start the preadmission for the SCT on Tuesday, 5/3. Once that starts, I'm stuck in Nashville until I'm well enough to go home--about 35 days.
On a side note: I've found brothers and sisters at Belmont Heights Baptist Church, an easy bike ride from the apartment. It's great to be part of God's family.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Everything you ever wanted to know about apheresis
In apheresis, you are hooked up to a machine that processes your blood, extracts the part they need, and then gives your blood back to you. It doesn't hurt a bit. I have a catheter that hooks into my jugular vein. The catheter has three lines coming out of my chest: one for "in", one for "out", and one for "misc." They attach the "in" and "out" lines to the machine and the machine does the rest.
The machine reminds me of an old Star Trek-like computer with knobs twisting and clear plastic tubing everywhere. All the tubing is brand new, installed from a sterile "kit" by the nurse for each patient. (It would be unimaginable that they would somehow be able to clean and sterilize that tubing for multiple uses, so they don't.)
The way apheresis works is the machine pumps out a little of my blood at a time and sends it to a centrifuge under glass (under the small black 'countertop' in the photo). As the centrifuge spins, it separates my blood into layers, based on the weight of the blood components: red cells are the heaviest, then stem cells, platelets, white cells, and plasma. There's a skimmer that selects the layer they want to extract (in my case, the stem cells). They position the skimmer in the centrifuge based on the color of the product. They use what looks like a paint pallet card to recognize the right position for the skimmer (the white card above right-hand side of the 'countertop'). After they're done extracting from that blood, it leaves the centrifuge and gets merged back together and sent back to my body. After initial setup, the process is very automatic. They just let it run and run. The machine is not quite as loud as a sewing machine, with lots of clicking, and my stem cells end up filling about a fourth of an IV bag (the right-most IV bag hanging over the machine). In the course of a single four-hour session, all my blood is circulated through the machine almost five times!
They have me lying in a bed with cable TV and remote control, very good wi-fi, and a nurse at my beck and call for everything. I need to hold pretty still or I may pinch a line or cause pressure to drop. As a result, I was treated like a Persian prince. Using the bathroom? portable urinal, followed by careful hand-cleaning.
One thing the nurse had to do was feed me a lot of Tums (like 25 or so). There's some chemical they use in the apheresis process that breaks down in the presence of calcium. If they don't feed me extra calcium, the chemical uses the calcium in my body, which results in tingling in hands, feet, lips, as if they had fallen asleep. The Tums makes the tingling stop almost instantly.
Another thing the nurse had to do was make sure I stayed warm. The blood that comes back from the machine is a little cooler than the blood I sent to it. As a result, I needed a few blankets and hot packs to stay warm.
Leilani was in the room the whole time, just being there and taking care of the little things.
For autologous stem cell transplant for lymphoma, the goal is two million stem cells. Don't ask me how they count them. After the first day, they got almost half of that. Today was my second day. The nurse said that the rest of my blood counts were a little down this morning from yesterday, so she expects that I'll have to come back again tomorrow to reach (and exceed) that amount.
Here's what we did yesterday and today (so far):
Wednesday
7:30 Arrive at clinic to receive Neupogen shot. Wait an hour for it to maximize its effect. Eat something at the cafe or whatever.
8:30 Go to the apheresis room, draw blood for labwork, and get hooked up to the machine.
12:00 Lunch while on the machine
1:00 Wrap up. I'm tired, though I haven't done anything.
4:00 Get phone call with collection results. Did they get enough? If not, come back tonight for a Mozabil shot.
9:00 p.m. Arrive at the hospital for the Mozabil shot.
9:30 p.m. Receive the shot. Wait around an hour to make sure you don't react poorly to it.
10:30 p.m. Go home from receiving the shot.
The machine reminds me of an old Star Trek-like computer with knobs twisting and clear plastic tubing everywhere. All the tubing is brand new, installed from a sterile "kit" by the nurse for each patient. (It would be unimaginable that they would somehow be able to clean and sterilize that tubing for multiple uses, so they don't.)The way apheresis works is the machine pumps out a little of my blood at a time and sends it to a centrifuge under glass (under the small black 'countertop' in the photo). As the centrifuge spins, it separates my blood into layers, based on the weight of the blood components: red cells are the heaviest, then stem cells, platelets, white cells, and plasma. There's a skimmer that selects the layer they want to extract (in my case, the stem cells). They position the skimmer in the centrifuge based on the color of the product. They use what looks like a paint pallet card to recognize the right position for the skimmer (the white card above right-hand side of the 'countertop'). After they're done extracting from that blood, it leaves the centrifuge and gets merged back together and sent back to my body. After initial setup, the process is very automatic. They just let it run and run. The machine is not quite as loud as a sewing machine, with lots of clicking, and my stem cells end up filling about a fourth of an IV bag (the right-most IV bag hanging over the machine). In the course of a single four-hour session, all my blood is circulated through the machine almost five times!
They have me lying in a bed with cable TV and remote control, very good wi-fi, and a nurse at my beck and call for everything. I need to hold pretty still or I may pinch a line or cause pressure to drop. As a result, I was treated like a Persian prince. Using the bathroom? portable urinal, followed by careful hand-cleaning.
One thing the nurse had to do was feed me a lot of Tums (like 25 or so). There's some chemical they use in the apheresis process that breaks down in the presence of calcium. If they don't feed me extra calcium, the chemical uses the calcium in my body, which results in tingling in hands, feet, lips, as if they had fallen asleep. The Tums makes the tingling stop almost instantly.
Another thing the nurse had to do was make sure I stayed warm. The blood that comes back from the machine is a little cooler than the blood I sent to it. As a result, I needed a few blankets and hot packs to stay warm.
Leilani was in the room the whole time, just being there and taking care of the little things.
For autologous stem cell transplant for lymphoma, the goal is two million stem cells. Don't ask me how they count them. After the first day, they got almost half of that. Today was my second day. The nurse said that the rest of my blood counts were a little down this morning from yesterday, so she expects that I'll have to come back again tomorrow to reach (and exceed) that amount.
Here's what we did yesterday and today (so far):
Wednesday
7:30 Arrive at clinic to receive Neupogen shot. Wait an hour for it to maximize its effect. Eat something at the cafe or whatever.
8:30 Go to the apheresis room, draw blood for labwork, and get hooked up to the machine.
12:00 Lunch while on the machine
1:00 Wrap up. I'm tired, though I haven't done anything.
4:00 Get phone call with collection results. Did they get enough? If not, come back tonight for a Mozabil shot.
9:00 p.m. Arrive at the hospital for the Mozabil shot.
9:30 p.m. Receive the shot. Wait around an hour to make sure you don't react poorly to it.
10:30 p.m. Go home from receiving the shot.
Thursday
7:30 Neupogen shot.
8:30 Apheresis room, draw blood for labwork, and get hooked up to the machine.
12:00 Lunch while on the machine
1:00 Wrap up.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Four days of shots but not stem cells. Plus, radiation news.
[Caution: this is a long and rambling post because there is lots of stuff going on in my life, body and soul.]
I've learned to give myself shots in my abdomen. It's a daily injection of filgrastim (Neupogen) for the next few days to stimulate my bones to increase stem cell production. After four days of shots, the lab reported that I have great white blood cells, but the stem cell level is "undetectable."
Turns out a low (even undetectable) stem cell count is normal for people who have had lots of chemotherapy like I have had. The doctors anticipated this, so I'll go to the hospital tonight at 9:30 p.m. (!) to get another drug called Mozabil. Mozabil is supposed to make the stem cells "slippery," whatever that means. The appointment is at 9:30 because of the drug's timing. They'll hook me up to the apheresis machine at 8:30 tomorrow morning and begin the stem cell collection process when the Mozabil effect is at its peak. Of course, I still have to give myself the Neupogen shots.
Prayer point: I pray that they'll collect enough over the next two or three days to make the stem cell transplant viable. If not, it's on to Plan C. Stay tuned. God is faithful (1 Corinthians 10:13).
It seems that, to everyone I talk to, is the idea that getting these new stem cells into my system is what will cure me of lymphoma. That's not it at all. As one doctor put it, it's really "a high dose of chemotherapy, followed by a stem cell rescue." That is, the stem cell transplant (called "autologous" because I'm having my own stem cells transplanted back to myself) is done to save my life after the high dose chemotherapy wipes out the lymphoma and takes my whole immune system with it. They'll give me back my stem cells in order to restart my immune system so I won't die from catching a cold.
We met the radiation oncologist and learned a new twist in my treatment plan. I'll be receiving radiation five days a week for about four weeks before they do the stem cell transplant. There's only one chemo resistant spot that needs attention, so they're going to blast it to smithereens with radiation. Because of where the spot is, that radiation will be hitting other cool things like my spinal cord, stomach, kidney, pancreas, bowel, ribs. The doctor said that they'll be careful to minimize impact on the other areas, but that I'll likely lose about a third of my kidney function in one kidney. Thankfully, God gave me two healthy kidneys, so I'll likely chug along with no noticeable difference in kidney function. (Did you know kidneys regulate blood pressure??)
Prayer point: Nine weeks of treatments in Nashville! Four for radiation, five for the next phase of the stem cell transplant. That's a lot of time away from home and away from work (though I should be able to telecommute). It'll be quite a challenge to help Leilani run the household and take care of the kids. We all have a lot of growing up to do through this.
I have a CT scan scheduled for tomorrow afternoon so the radiation team can put together the treatment plan. I don't yet know when that will start. Maybe Monday? Stay tuned.
Prayer point: It may eventually come to the point in the next few years where I need stem cells from someone else. Would you consider becoming a stem cell donor? It's an easy way to literally save someone's life. Check out http://www.marrow.org/DONOR/When_You_re_Asked_to_Donate_fo/Steps_of_Donation/index.html.
And now a word from our sponsor:
I've learned to give myself shots in my abdomen. It's a daily injection of filgrastim (Neupogen) for the next few days to stimulate my bones to increase stem cell production. After four days of shots, the lab reported that I have great white blood cells, but the stem cell level is "undetectable."
Turns out a low (even undetectable) stem cell count is normal for people who have had lots of chemotherapy like I have had. The doctors anticipated this, so I'll go to the hospital tonight at 9:30 p.m. (!) to get another drug called Mozabil. Mozabil is supposed to make the stem cells "slippery," whatever that means. The appointment is at 9:30 because of the drug's timing. They'll hook me up to the apheresis machine at 8:30 tomorrow morning and begin the stem cell collection process when the Mozabil effect is at its peak. Of course, I still have to give myself the Neupogen shots.
Prayer point: I pray that they'll collect enough over the next two or three days to make the stem cell transplant viable. If not, it's on to Plan C. Stay tuned. God is faithful (1 Corinthians 10:13).
It seems that, to everyone I talk to, is the idea that getting these new stem cells into my system is what will cure me of lymphoma. That's not it at all. As one doctor put it, it's really "a high dose of chemotherapy, followed by a stem cell rescue." That is, the stem cell transplant (called "autologous" because I'm having my own stem cells transplanted back to myself) is done to save my life after the high dose chemotherapy wipes out the lymphoma and takes my whole immune system with it. They'll give me back my stem cells in order to restart my immune system so I won't die from catching a cold.
We met the radiation oncologist and learned a new twist in my treatment plan. I'll be receiving radiation five days a week for about four weeks before they do the stem cell transplant. There's only one chemo resistant spot that needs attention, so they're going to blast it to smithereens with radiation. Because of where the spot is, that radiation will be hitting other cool things like my spinal cord, stomach, kidney, pancreas, bowel, ribs. The doctor said that they'll be careful to minimize impact on the other areas, but that I'll likely lose about a third of my kidney function in one kidney. Thankfully, God gave me two healthy kidneys, so I'll likely chug along with no noticeable difference in kidney function. (Did you know kidneys regulate blood pressure??)
Prayer point: Nine weeks of treatments in Nashville! Four for radiation, five for the next phase of the stem cell transplant. That's a lot of time away from home and away from work (though I should be able to telecommute). It'll be quite a challenge to help Leilani run the household and take care of the kids. We all have a lot of growing up to do through this.
I have a CT scan scheduled for tomorrow afternoon so the radiation team can put together the treatment plan. I don't yet know when that will start. Maybe Monday? Stay tuned.
Prayer point: It may eventually come to the point in the next few years where I need stem cells from someone else. Would you consider becoming a stem cell donor? It's an easy way to literally save someone's life. Check out http://www.marrow.org/DONOR/When_You_re_Asked_to_Donate_fo/Steps_of_Donation/index.html.
And now a word from our sponsor:
Psalm 139
A Psalm of David
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
A Psalm of David
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
My reflections
vv1-4 David's psalm is also my psalm. I feel like this journey has been part of God's searching of my soul.
The good news is, God is intimately familiar with what I'm going through, and the things that cause that sinking feeling, even before they happen.
vv5-12 And through it all, God is here! I'm guided and protected by my maker.
I cannot escape His care. I can't somehow accidentally leave Him behind. Neither my highest highs (when I feel invincible) nor living through my worst nightmares don't separate me from Him. He leads me. He holds me. He holds me! [Oh, that I would be filled with this truth!]
vv13-16 My body was specially designed by God, lymphoma and all. And it's all for His glory (John 9:3). [BTW, "the lowest parts of the earth" (v15) is a metaphor for the womb (v. 13), which, in David's day, was a dark, mysterious, unreachable place.]
God has personally crafted my days for me, even before I was born.
It's great to know that God is with me, thinking about me with innumerable thoughts. I can sleep soundly, knowing that when I wake up, God's presence is not merely a dream. We (He and I) really are going through this thing together.
[vv19-22: It's easy, when you're zealous for God, to resent those who hate Him. Despite David's sentiment, God has proven that His patient love gives even His enemies hope, if they will but submit to Him (2Peter 3:9).]
v23: As for me, I lay myself open and vulnerable to God. I invite His purifying gaze into my life to root out my wickedness, and I crave and submit to His leadership for my life.
Dear reader, if you've stuck it out this far, my prayer for you is that of Hebrews 13:20-21:
Now may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus from the dead, that great Shepherd of the sheep, ...make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.
[And now off to my 9:30pm appointment.]
vv1-4 David's psalm is also my psalm. I feel like this journey has been part of God's searching of my soul.
The good news is, God is intimately familiar with what I'm going through, and the things that cause that sinking feeling, even before they happen.
vv5-12 And through it all, God is here! I'm guided and protected by my maker.
I cannot escape His care. I can't somehow accidentally leave Him behind. Neither my highest highs (when I feel invincible) nor living through my worst nightmares don't separate me from Him. He leads me. He holds me. He holds me! [Oh, that I would be filled with this truth!]
vv13-16 My body was specially designed by God, lymphoma and all. And it's all for His glory (John 9:3). [BTW, "the lowest parts of the earth" (v15) is a metaphor for the womb (v. 13), which, in David's day, was a dark, mysterious, unreachable place.]
God has personally crafted my days for me, even before I was born.
It's great to know that God is with me, thinking about me with innumerable thoughts. I can sleep soundly, knowing that when I wake up, God's presence is not merely a dream. We (He and I) really are going through this thing together.
[vv19-22: It's easy, when you're zealous for God, to resent those who hate Him. Despite David's sentiment, God has proven that His patient love gives even His enemies hope, if they will but submit to Him (2Peter 3:9).]
v23: As for me, I lay myself open and vulnerable to God. I invite His purifying gaze into my life to root out my wickedness, and I crave and submit to His leadership for my life.
Dear reader, if you've stuck it out this far, my prayer for you is that of Hebrews 13:20-21:
Now may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus from the dead, that great Shepherd of the sheep, ...make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.
[And now off to my 9:30pm appointment.]
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Beginning the journey through Radical
My Sunday School group is going through the book Radical by David Platt. (Check out an ad for the book at http://www.radicalthebook.com.)
We had a terrific discussion in today's session. How far does Jesus really want us to go? Should we sell our homes and move into mud huts? (Maybe.) Should we stop going to Disney World for vacation? (Maybe.) Should we stop hoping and expecting for things to turn out OK in this life? (Maybe.)
We're just starting this journey together. I believe all of us are willing to follow Jesus even to the end of the earth, if that's where He wants us to go. The issue for us right now is for us to discover where the Lord would have us to go, and be willing to say "Yes". Consider Luke 14:25-33.
This is unfamiliar territory for most of us. And it sounds kind of scary. Could Jesus really mean that I need to give up everything to follow Him?
No guilt trips allowed! As we consider what it means to live a life of radical obedience, I encourage you not to beat yourself up over where you are today, decisions you've made, or the things you hope to achieve or obtain. Instead, express to your Lord your willingness to follow as He leads. We all desire to trust and obey our Lord to the best of our ability. Jesus calls and saves us where we are and then, as we follow him, we are shaped and changed.
At this point in our journey, we're just getting ready to get radical. I think it's reasonable for us to take inventory and create a (figurative) pile of all our belongings, our family, our friends, even our own lives, and say, "Lord, these people and things are all yours, not mine. Teach me to do with them what you would have me to do."
Some practical points you might consider guardrails on the journey (all open for discussion!):
We had a terrific discussion in today's session. How far does Jesus really want us to go? Should we sell our homes and move into mud huts? (Maybe.) Should we stop going to Disney World for vacation? (Maybe.) Should we stop hoping and expecting for things to turn out OK in this life? (Maybe.)
We're just starting this journey together. I believe all of us are willing to follow Jesus even to the end of the earth, if that's where He wants us to go. The issue for us right now is for us to discover where the Lord would have us to go, and be willing to say "Yes". Consider Luke 14:25-33.
Great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. ... So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple.
No guilt trips allowed! As we consider what it means to live a life of radical obedience, I encourage you not to beat yourself up over where you are today, decisions you've made, or the things you hope to achieve or obtain. Instead, express to your Lord your willingness to follow as He leads. We all desire to trust and obey our Lord to the best of our ability. Jesus calls and saves us where we are and then, as we follow him, we are shaped and changed.
At this point in our journey, we're just getting ready to get radical. I think it's reasonable for us to take inventory and create a (figurative) pile of all our belongings, our family, our friends, even our own lives, and say, "Lord, these people and things are all yours, not mine. Teach me to do with them what you would have me to do."
Some practical points you might consider guardrails on the journey (all open for discussion!):
- Jesus didn't come into the world to condemn us, but to redeem us (Joh 3:17-18).
- We are after more than sentiment. You need to bring forth fruits consistent with repentance (Luke 3:8, James 2:18). Egyptian civilians recently rallied, risking their lives to make their world a better place. Are we ready to put it all on the line to follow Jesus?
- If you are parents of young children, then you have a responsibility to raise those children (Prov 22:6; Eph. 6:4). (Of course, that doesn't stop you from taking your family to the mission field...)
- It's OK to enjoy the fruit of your labor on this earth, but you should live with intentionality (1Tim 6:17-19; Mt 11:19). If you've been abundantly blessed, then it's almost natural for you to abundantly give (Mt 10:8b), to "pay it forward" for the glory of the Lord and the good of the world.
Next week, on to chapter two.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)